Welcome to my first travel blog.
Hope anyone who reads this has had a decent summer holiday and if not, hopefully, this lil article can cheer you up.
I shall now bore you with details of my daily journeys of walking around residential areas and where to find the best dog poop bins in generic parks and all the fascinating size differences between each road side car park.... OR I could describe the canal holiday a bunch of us went to that exhausted us beyond belief and made one of us throw ourselves into the canal out of desperation and shame. I think we will go for the latter.
Hope anyone who reads this has had a decent summer holiday and if not, hopefully, this lil article can cheer you up.
I shall now bore you with details of my daily journeys of walking around residential areas and where to find the best dog poop bins in generic parks and all the fascinating size differences between each road side car park.... OR I could describe the canal holiday a bunch of us went to that exhausted us beyond belief and made one of us throw ourselves into the canal out of desperation and shame. I think we will go for the latter.
Ok, so first, I want to lay down some advanced information.. Just to get you guys up to scratch with the cool stuff that us boat people do as boat people. (Ive opened enough locks to now consider myself a boat person.)
Firstly, it was a two week trip (for myself and boat captain Peter) and we did many a thing and entered many a "middle of nowhere" destinations. So forgive me if I can't remember most of them. Also, most of our little personal or exclusive in-jokes or moments won't be documented... (for legal reasons...) and for the sake of keeping this blog succinct. (I'm already on two paragraphs, and wasted the first on a stupid joke about car parks) So lets roll on.
Secondly, I thought I'd throw in some definitions of what certain items that I will mention in this blog mean, so here are a few...
Firstly, it was a two week trip (for myself and boat captain Peter) and we did many a thing and entered many a "middle of nowhere" destinations. So forgive me if I can't remember most of them. Also, most of our little personal or exclusive in-jokes or moments won't be documented... (for legal reasons...) and for the sake of keeping this blog succinct. (I'm already on two paragraphs, and wasted the first on a stupid joke about car parks) So lets roll on.
Secondly, I thought I'd throw in some definitions of what certain items that I will mention in this blog mean, so here are a few...
- Windlass: A winch, especially one on a ship or in a harbour. (Not to be commonly mistaken for a woman who breaks wind.)
- Castellated nut: A castellated nut, also called a castle nut or slotted nut, is a nut with slots (notches) cut into one end. (Not to be commonly mistaken with a sugar coated tasty nut of some sort.)
- Split pin: a metal cotter pin with two arms passed through a hole, held in place by the springing apart of the arms. (Not to be commonly mistaken for a method of bowling pin vandalism.)
- Chandlery: the shop or business of a chandler that sells boat accessories. (Not to be commonly mistaken for a shop that sells merchandise for a popular American character from a widely popular American sitcom that is named after a group of associates that never seem to leave each other's company and who like drinking coffee together.)
- Weed Hatch: An ungodly hole at the end of a narrow boat where one poor soul (usually selected after much bullying) sticks one hand down the hole, through murky canal filthiness to extract any trappings caught in the propeller. (Not to be commonly mistaken with a hatch that stashes marijuana.)
- You absolute annoying turdwipe of a twat!: A cute internal utterance aimed at Peter every time he rudely woke me up with his loud cereal eating sessions or when he made me open up a lock when I was half way through shaving. (Not to be commonly mistaken with "You absolute numpty of a human being" and "You deliberate piece of diseased penis" which was also uttered many times to myself during the trip.)
Transforming | So Peter Lane... My friend, bought a narrow boat. He did it up. And lives in it from time to time. Its called Alex. (Named after Peters first boyfriend... I'm kidding and he's not laughing.) About a year later, he planned to go on a big journey to celebrate the fact he lives on a boat and to explore the depths of the awesome British countryside and quite possibly, to test our friendship of 20+ years. |
So he invited me and a few other people, and the result became; Captain Bald patch (Pete), The Lock Laborer (Myself), (I forget the badges we bought ourself in the Chandlery so I shall make up the rest) "The resident drunk" (Sean), "The Practical Preggo" (Charlotte) and "The Halloumi hostess" (Jaimie). - First week was Pete, Sean, Charlotte and myself, then the second week, we threw Sean and Charlotte off the plank into the swans mouth and replaced them with Jaimie. (As pictured in order: Peter, Sean, Charlotte, Jaimie.) |
Let me delve a little further into explaining who everyone is and their purpose to one another. Peter, Sean and I are childhood friends. Charlotte and Sean are married with baby on the way (its been on the way for a while, I think it was given the wrong directions). Peter was best man to Sean's wedding. (I was asked first but a court order tells me that it was a complete lie and I should stop being so deluded.) And Jaimie is a friend of a friend to a friend of another friend who knows a different friend who ended up knowing all of us. So now you know who these strangers with faces are.
The Trip:
So.. the first day of the trip...
Leading up to the trip, we created a group chat and discussed what personals and essentials we would need on the trip. It led to a lot of sidetrack banter and us joking about which then somehow made me lose concentration and pack WAY more than I initially needed to...
The Trip:
So.. the first day of the trip...
Leading up to the trip, we created a group chat and discussed what personals and essentials we would need on the trip. It led to a lot of sidetrack banter and us joking about which then somehow made me lose concentration and pack WAY more than I initially needed to...
Yeah..
Notice all the bags, the extra coats, the extra pillow case? Notice the stuff on Peter's arms and shoulders too? Yeah, they were mine too.
I'm not usually this prepared or this "diva" like but my mind was telling me, "You're gonna be on a boat for two weeks, surrounded by canal water, sewage, mud, rain and oil. You NEEEED those 8 extra pair of socks. You NEEEED those three bottles of antiseptic gel."
Notice all the bags, the extra coats, the extra pillow case? Notice the stuff on Peter's arms and shoulders too? Yeah, they were mine too.
I'm not usually this prepared or this "diva" like but my mind was telling me, "You're gonna be on a boat for two weeks, surrounded by canal water, sewage, mud, rain and oil. You NEEEED those 8 extra pair of socks. You NEEEED those three bottles of antiseptic gel."
By the way, I'd like to announce that I fully admit to being a somewhat hypochondriac and hygiene freak. "What you doing on a canal trip then you idiot!" I hear you ask. "Punishing myself and laughing at the face of fear" is my answer.
We also packed enough food to sustain a bunker for about a year. Pasta of all kinds, tins of beans, biscuits, crisps, meat, bread and more. I'm not complaining but if I wanted to come out of this trip trim and lean, MAHAHAHAHA... nope. I ate two bags of Peanut M&M's for breakfast. There was so much food, we had to find crevices to stash the savoury snacks. I found a packet of wraps in a utility cupboard and my giant box of wheetos was used as a wedge between a step.
Anyway.. We all arrived at the boat and placed our belongings anywhere we could find. my 27 bags were thrown about everywhere, but the arrangement in the end was the married couple get the bed, and Peter and I make do with the sofa "bed". How nice of the captain to give up his bed. Now I write "bed" like so, because the sofa "bed" was basically a formation of lowering the table in to place and slapping a couple of sofa cushions over the top. Mmm! Hard and creaky. Just how it should be!
We also packed enough food to sustain a bunker for about a year. Pasta of all kinds, tins of beans, biscuits, crisps, meat, bread and more. I'm not complaining but if I wanted to come out of this trip trim and lean, MAHAHAHAHA... nope. I ate two bags of Peanut M&M's for breakfast. There was so much food, we had to find crevices to stash the savoury snacks. I found a packet of wraps in a utility cupboard and my giant box of wheetos was used as a wedge between a step.
Anyway.. We all arrived at the boat and placed our belongings anywhere we could find. my 27 bags were thrown about everywhere, but the arrangement in the end was the married couple get the bed, and Peter and I make do with the sofa "bed". How nice of the captain to give up his bed. Now I write "bed" like so, because the sofa "bed" was basically a formation of lowering the table in to place and slapping a couple of sofa cushions over the top. Mmm! Hard and creaky. Just how it should be!
So we all arrived (minus Jaimie) and we were excited, we were merry and the weather was pretty great. I was already munching on some cold pancakes, Peter already took his top off to flaunt his muscles, Sean was already puffing away on his E-ciggarette and Charlotte was already cracking open a non-alcoholic beverage. We were ready, we couldn't wait any longer, the sun was shining, the birds were tweeting (Think #BirdsWithTits was trending... I'M FUNNY!) and we had a full day ahead of us.
And so we untied the ropes, pushed the boat into the middle of the canal and set off to the unknown. WOOOOOOOOOOOH!!!
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Yeah, its slow to begin with. I think I waved at the man on the boat moored up next to us for about 5 minutes.
Eventually we got used to it and we were on the first leg of our epic journey.
And so we untied the ropes, pushed the boat into the middle of the canal and set off to the unknown. WOOOOOOOOOOOH!!!
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.........
.............
Yeah, its slow to begin with. I think I waved at the man on the boat moored up next to us for about 5 minutes.
Eventually we got used to it and we were on the first leg of our epic journey.
It was a pretty pleasant start, smooth sailing (or um... canaling?) and lots of gorgeous views, (Once Peter moved his 9-pack out of the way).
I was a bit anxious as to how the journey will be as while I'm pretty sociable, I also enjoy a bit of reclusiveness, this could not be done on this trip, especially when I had to share a "bed" and was on close proximity with 3 other people at all times.
Nonetheless, I was pretty relaxed when the journey started unfolding and I got into a rhythm. (Sleeping was going to be another story as I'm an annoying insomniac)
What's interesting about journeys like these is the perception of where we are and where we live and what we do on holiday. So many people escape the country and look for exotic locations, but what I noticed on this trip is how absolutely stunning our British countryside is and how we can be in a bubble and not realise whats just round the corner. This came into fruition when we realised after 5 hours of crawling that we were still in Daventry. Only 20 minute drive away from where we started! Ha! - But the surroundings were so picturesque that we felt like we were in a totally different place.
CHEEESE!!:
About an hour or so into the journey, we moored up and walked around a village looking for a shop. Yes we had enough food to feed loads of people who needed copious amounts of pasta and wheetos but we wanted a BBQ and El Capitano Seis Paquete doesn't like cheese. And we wanted cheese. So cheese is what we went looking for and a tiny block of cheese is what we came back with. And ice creams, which became a daily ritual for Charlotte and I. No matter the weather or the location, we bought ice cream. I bought a mini milk and it melted onto my shorts.
Why is this important? It isn't. But who doesn't like cheese? And who has a burger without cheese?
I was a bit anxious as to how the journey will be as while I'm pretty sociable, I also enjoy a bit of reclusiveness, this could not be done on this trip, especially when I had to share a "bed" and was on close proximity with 3 other people at all times.
Nonetheless, I was pretty relaxed when the journey started unfolding and I got into a rhythm. (Sleeping was going to be another story as I'm an annoying insomniac)
What's interesting about journeys like these is the perception of where we are and where we live and what we do on holiday. So many people escape the country and look for exotic locations, but what I noticed on this trip is how absolutely stunning our British countryside is and how we can be in a bubble and not realise whats just round the corner. This came into fruition when we realised after 5 hours of crawling that we were still in Daventry. Only 20 minute drive away from where we started! Ha! - But the surroundings were so picturesque that we felt like we were in a totally different place.
CHEEESE!!:
About an hour or so into the journey, we moored up and walked around a village looking for a shop. Yes we had enough food to feed loads of people who needed copious amounts of pasta and wheetos but we wanted a BBQ and El Capitano Seis Paquete doesn't like cheese. And we wanted cheese. So cheese is what we went looking for and a tiny block of cheese is what we came back with. And ice creams, which became a daily ritual for Charlotte and I. No matter the weather or the location, we bought ice cream. I bought a mini milk and it melted onto my shorts.
Why is this important? It isn't. But who doesn't like cheese? And who has a burger without cheese?
Peter was also in search of a chandlery or boat shop so he could get a trusted book containing maps and route information for water and waste points and how many locks were approaching. That little red book actually became our boat Bible, it was our go-to for everything. I even turned to it for spiritual advice and page 23 said I had to keep going, dump the waste, open what's locked and see what journey awaits on the other side. And it came true. Rugby awaited me. Ive never been to Rugby. Maybe Rugby was where I needed to be. Lets move on......
We started moving again and Captain Strong Abs allowed us to take it in turns steering the boat and it was quite fun, its quite easy to manoeuvre and as the hours ticked over and the weather was still wonderful and we all started drinking beers and driving and swerving all over the place and ducks got killed and nature got spoiled (you know I'm exaggerating. I had a cider, not a beer..) we were in a good mood and Peter was thrilled. He managed to convert a rusty old boat and made it his home and also a pretty cool party/social boat and his planned trip away was doing wonders and without a single hitch or problem. We were giddy.. We were elated... We were ecstatic... We were having an awesome first day! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
We started moving again and Captain Strong Abs allowed us to take it in turns steering the boat and it was quite fun, its quite easy to manoeuvre and as the hours ticked over and the weather was still wonderful and we all started drinking beers and driving and swerving all over the place and ducks got killed and nature got spoiled (you know I'm exaggerating. I had a cider, not a beer..) we were in a good mood and Peter was thrilled. He managed to convert a rusty old boat and made it his home and also a pretty cool party/social boat and his planned trip away was doing wonders and without a single hitch or problem. We were giddy.. We were elated... We were ecstatic... We were having an awesome first day! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand then we broke down..